Come on, children, you’re acting like children.
Every generation thinks it’s the end of the world.
All you fat followers, get fit fast.
Every generation thinks it’s the last.
Thinks it’s the end of the world.
– Wilco, “You Never Know”
In the spring of 1994, while on vacation with my dad and step-mom in Orlando, Florida, I spent an entire week being scared shitless that the world was about to end. It certainly wasn’t the first time I got stressed out about Jesus’ impending return, and it also wasn’t the last, but it is the one I tend to remember the most. Being on vacation far from home, everything is strange. The air smells funny, the people are different , and during this particular summer in Orlando, as the sun sunk into the horizon, the dark orange sky mixed with pleasant warm air, it felt to me like the apocalypse. There were overheard conversations about the ever looming year 2000, biblical prophecy, microchips planted in your wrist, and possible Antichrists. All this mixed in with the grander and acid-trip theatrics of Disney country, and you have a combination that left me terrified.
I grew up being taught that life on earth would not end by rational means like nuclear war, environmental disaster, or hostile alien attack, but rather by something often referred to in fundamentalist Christian circles as “The Rapture,” “The Second Coming,” or my personal favorite, “The Tribulation.” You probably know the basics of this yarn, but the details are too fucking fun to leave on the table, so let me give you the skinny. When God has had enough of all our human bullshit, he’s going to bring the world to an end in just a few easy steps:
Step 1: The Rapture
Every human who believes that Jesus Christ is their Lord and Savior will abruptly disappear from earth. Planes will crash, cars will drive off the road, McDonald’s fryers will go unmanned, Wal-Mart customers will go ungreeted. There is some controversy among Christians whether the Rapture will occur before or after the Antichrist reigns with an iron fist over a new, socialist world order. Those who believe the Rapture will happen first are cleverly referred to as “pre-tribulationists,” and those who think it will occur much later are “post-tribulationists.” Which leads us nicely to…
Step 2: The Tribulation
The world goes to shit in a shitbasket. The Antichrist (read: liberal) reigns supreme and rapes and tortures anyone who has a Bible or claims allegiance to Jesus. The Antichrist has fooled people into thinking he’s a good man because he has made some headway in slowing down violence and war. He also tricks people by being nice to poor and disenfranchised people, but he’s really just a big asshole who wants to drink the blood of Christian babies. For something like seven years, the Antichrist rules with a cruelty not seen since the Spanish Inquisition. This seven years is like the two minute warning for humanity. It’s our last chance to realize Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell were actually right about everything, and if we don’t repent by the time the buzzer sounds, it’s the fiery depths of hell for anyone who does not turn to Christianity. Nice of Jesus to give us this final warning. It’s kinda like that three strikes thing. Didn’t believe when televangelists with phony white teeth, sports cars, mansions, and blond, big-boobed wives were telling you to believe? Strike one. Didn’t believe when that guy in your office who kept asking you to come to a “Salvation Picnic” suddenly disappeared while making coffee in the break room? Strike two. Still didn’t believe when the world was being ruled by a gay socialist who first solved some of the world’s biggest problems but then proceeded to outlaw Christianity? Strike three, motherfucker.
Step 3: Armageddon
Jesus rides in on on a white horse, with all his Christian minions in tow to kick the Antichrist army’s ass. It’s a big battle on a huge field – kinda like Braveheart. There’s face paint and swords and flaming arrows and decapitations and all that good shit. In the end, Jesus takes his rightful place as King of the Universe, while earth and heaven merge into one. Everyone lives happily ever after in paradise unless you are a Jew, Muslim, agnostic, scientist, democrat, or someone who has at anytime employed logic when thinking about the mystery of our existence. If you’re one of those people, you burn in a lake of fire for all eternity. Good times.
In 1994, I was a kid who attended church, said my prayers, and thought that remaining a virgin until I got married was a good idea (even if I wouldn’t have turned down a handjob or a blowy). But the mythology surrounding the end of the world at the hands of an angry God never ceased to terrify me into a panic attack-can’t-leave-the-house state. I found it impossible to watch History Channel specials about Nostradamus, Mayan calendars, or any kind of ancient prophecy. I could barely bring myself to peek at the book of Revelations for fear I would read something that I had just seen on the evening news. But the really troubling thing was how excited all the Christians around me seemed to be about the death of the planet and all their human brethren. There was no fear or apprehension when they talked about it, only sheer pleasure that they were going to be of the chosen generation who would witness Jesus’ return and the subsequent destruction of all things. Why wasn’t I just as excited? After all, I believed that I would be spared from eternal damnation, if not a few hot pokers up my ass at the hands of the Antichrist. But what if I didn’t believe enough? The pastors in my life often warned of being a pseudo-Christian (read: Catholic), not putting in the requisite time and effort into developing a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. This Bible verse from the Gospel of Matthew, often quoted in sermons, always left me feeling a bit unsure:
“Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?’ Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Away from me, you evil doers!’” (Matthew 7:21 – 23, NIV)
Couple things: First of all, that’s Red Text. The Heavy Shit. Direct Jesus Quotation. It’s the stuff in the Bible that your Sunday school teacher tells you to take extra seriously. Second, it’s not even the lazy Christians who skip church during the NFL playoffs or write the shorthand “Xmas” on Christmas cards that Jesus is telling to fuck off. It’s some dudes who made blind people see and Linda Blair stop spitting pea soup and masturbating with crucifixes. We’re talking hardcore, frontline Jesus Warriors who thought they were doing good by the Man. If they can’t make it come Rapture time, what chance does a kid who likes Metallica and beating off to late night Cinemax movies have?
And this is why I was scared shitless about Jesus’ imminent return. During this particular vacation, it was my step-mom who mostly liked talking about the end of the world. She would have her fill of red wine, turn on CNN, and provide a running commentary on how different world events linked up to Biblical prophecy. She would flip the channel, and Pat Robertson would come on to back her up. My dad would chime in every now and then, passively agreeing with her and pouring more red wine, egging her on. We had relatives in Florida, also hyper-religious, and they came over one night to have dinner. They talked late into the evening about Biblical prophecy – rivers running red, four horsemen, Bill Clinton as the Antichrist, etc. I cowered under the covers in the next room, trying to block out their conversation, begging God to help me fall asleep, and to please take me with if the Rapture should occur while I slept. I spent the rest of the vacation in a state of fear, and decided that when I got back home, spending less time with my dad and step-mom was probably for the best.
A few months later, in the summer of ‘94, something happened that would free me from all of this end of the world angst: I bought my first George Carlin record. It was called Parental Advisory, and the cassette cover had a magnified version of the infamous black and white “Explicit Lyrics” logo. It was the single greatest seven dollars I’ve ever spent. It changed my life. The way he used humor and logic to expose the insanity of religion saved me from a lifetime of irrational fear. I listened to that tape nonstop that summer, and with every laugh I became less afraid. It made me feel like the future was not yet written and I could have some say about how my life would turn out. When George Carlin died last year, I cried. If it hadn’t been for him, I’d probably still be staring at the sky in a cold sweat, waiting for a big, scary man to ride down from the clouds and sentence me to hell for the lifetime of human thoughts I’ve had and the lifetime of human actions I’ve committed.
I spent the next few years slowly but surely shaking all the residual religious guilt and fear. By the time I was a sophomore in college I had read and seen enough to realize the world was bigger than fundamentalist Christian ideology. But my obsession with the Christian end of the world mythology didn’t go away. I was no longer scared of it, but instead fascinated and appreciative of the brilliance in which it was crafted. It was the ultimate horror story, and deserved to be appreciated the way we appreciate Edgar Allen Poe, Stephen King, John Carpenter, and Wes Craven.
In fact, people like Jerry Jenkins and Tim LaHaye, authors of the Left Behind books, have made a career out of exploiting the way this mythology taps into our primal fears. The Left Behind series details the Rapture, Tribulation, and Christ’s return in all its bloody glory. Jenkins and LaHaye have sold more than sixty-five million books worldwide, made a truck loads of money, and even got the film adaptation a distribution deal which had the movie playing at mainstream movie theaters. Your first reaction might be, “Really? There’s that big of an audience for this?” Oh, yes. But with storytelling like this, can you blame a mass audience for being sucked in? And I’m not talking about Jenkins and LaHaye. Their books are hacky and juvenile at best, and the film adaptation, well, all you need to know is that it stars Kirk Cameron. But the real architects of this story, the guys with long grey beards who crafted this nonsense and the scholars who have continued to translate their work throughout generations – well, these are the forefathers of the horror genre.
And I love the horror genre. There’s nothing quite like being legitimately scared by a good story. The simple fact is that the Christian apocalypse myth is one of the greatest horror stories ever told. Freddy and Jason can’t touch it. That Saw clown is a pussy compared to Jesus taking revenge on humanity. I already wrote about what Jesus had to say to The Exorcist. It’s all child’s play compared to what happens on Rapture Day. The exact details and sequence of events are even debated much like a bunch of Star Nerds arguing over who would win in a fight, Luke Skywalker or Captain Kirk (Skywalker, duh. He’s got a light saber. And the Force). For as much as I want to resent the negative effect the story had on my childhood, I still love it. I can’t be mad at it. That would be like being upset about Where the Wild Things Are because it used to freak me out when I was five. You can’t be mad at Where the Wild Things Are.
But even though I love the myth, it obviously doesn’t come without its real world reprocussions. Over the past few months, or more specifically, since Obama was elected, I’m beginning to hear a lot of the same apocalyptic rhetoric that I used to hear as a teenager in the nineties. During the Bush administration, fundamentalist Christians were suspiciously quiet on the topic of the end of the world, and now all of a sudden, here it is making a big comeback. During last year’s Presidential run, John McCain’s campaign created a web ad that used out of context quotes along with the same fonts and book cover style of the Left Behind series, mockingly calling Obama “The One.” It was a blatant, cynical attempt to connect Obama to the Antichrist legend. The ad was so despicable, even Jenkins had to come out in Obama’s sort-of-defense. The Washington Post quoted him as saying, “I’ve gotten a lot of questions the last few weeks asking if Obama is the Antichrist. I tell everyone that I don’t think the Antichrist will come out of politics, especially American politics.”
Whew! Good to know. However, not all Christians are convinced. Last week, leading Christian thinker and spokesperson Heidi Montag posted on her twitter page (@HeidiMontag): “get ready for Jesus coming back! watchout for the antichrist and the mark of the beast! which is the chip they want to put in you!”
I remember hearing a lot about this “chip” back in the nineties. It was rumored that the government would force you to get a chip implanted in your body so they could monitor your every movement to make sure you’re not praying, listening to Rush Limbaugh, or buying McGee and Me tapes. I just think the Christians are lucky to have a spokesperson as beautiful, articulate and lovable as Heidi Montag to warn us about stuff like this. Christ really knows what He’s doing when it comes to PR.
We all know that Republican politics gained a whole new level of momentum in the 80s when it was able to marry itself to Christian fundamentalism. There has been a lot written about exactly how that happened, much of it revolving around the abortion issue, but I actually believe it was mostly because conservatives were able to convince American Christians that the Antichrist would be left-leaning, charismatic, and beloved – three things Republican politicians almost never are. I’ve read the book of Revelations, and I don’t see anything in there that suggests the Antichrist will be a spokesperson for progressive politics. Things like the new world order, socialist mandates, microchips, and general government oppression are all projections of people like LaHaye, who was a key architect in the new Christian Republican party long before he ever put pen to paper on the Left Behind series. And what a cynical strategy it is: Look out for any person who wins the the love and trust of the world by doing good things and making people’s lives better. Gee, thanks.
As sickening as I find so much of this, particularly all the political posturing, I can’t help but get drawn into the drama. I have a special place in my heart for sandwich-board wearing whack-jobs trumpeting the end of the world. The people who actually believe this stuff are very often disturbed and misguided, but I get it. I get why they’re drawn into this story and why it’s something they love to talk about. It appeals to that scared child in them. The one that loves a good ghost story around the campfire. The one staring up at a strange, orange sky, listening to forbidden adult conversations he should never hear. The one begging for it to stop, but at the same time inching closer, straining to hear the next detail about what happens when the light goes out and there is nothing but darkness.
Some links:
‘MY PEOPLE’
“My people perish for lack of knowledge.
The knowledge that I speak of is the knowledge of Me,…
My WORD,….. My PRINCIPLES,….. WHO I AM.
Do you understand?
My people perish, for the lack, of the knowledge, of ME,” says the Lord!
“And who are the people that I speak of,…
the pagans who call upon other gods,
the goats who openly reject My name?
Wake up, O foolish children!
The people that I speak of are those who call themselves by My name!
They are those who call themselves ‘Christians’ and ‘the Chuch’.
And I say to you that many of ‘My people’ do not know Me at all.
For just as My people ‘Israel and Judah’ claimed to know Me in the days of old, yet sought other gods to fulfill their lusts and desires, so are many of you!
You draw near to Me with your lips, but your hearts are far from Me.
You listen with a look of acknowledgment, but inwardly reject My counsel.
You come before Me in the ‘appointed assemblies’ week after week, and you think that because you come, I am bound to listen to you,… but I will not!
I am not in your assemblies where you lift your hands to heaven,
yet live your lives unto yourselves.
Your prayers rise like a stench to Me and I am offended.
I will not hear your songs, and your instruments are a noise to Me!
I tell you that your many prayers are heard by the evil one and answered by his cunning, yet though I tell you this you will not believe Me,” says the Lord.
“So many call themselves by My name, yet they do not know that they are naked and shamed. My covering is not upon them for they have forsaken their children and each other, and have gone after Baal even in My own house!
I am wearied by your exploits. I am tired of your ways.
I have called and called to you, but you refuse to hear and to answer.
You refuse to know Me.
Indeed, you think that you already know Me, but you do not.
You have not known Me because I am holy and not of this world.
You are of the world who say that you know Me, yet reject My holiness and embrace the ways of the world.
Lying signs and wonders have gone forth and deceived many of My people.
They have turned from Me to others, and adorned themselves in riches and the false securities there-of, making My house a den of thieves and the way of Balaam!
The profit of the spoil runs red like blood.
It is an unclean thing and many are defiled by it.
Take the unclean thing from your midst.
If the unclean thing will not be removed from your midst then remove yourself from the unclean thing!”…..
“I am outside the camp, and I am calling My lambs away from the slaughter,” says the Lord.
“Many of My people, who call themselves by My name, are not My people.
Many have fallen, and many more will fall in the coming days when they will deny Me before men in order to save their own lives.
But I say to you that in trying to save their life they will indeed lose it.
For whoever denies Me before men, I will likewise deny before My Father in heaven.
Many who were invited to the marriage supper will be turned away.
Only those dressed in white shall enter the halls of ceremony, and I will confess them before God My Father.
Know you not that you are covered in stain?…. Repent therefore!
Do not go the way of the apostate. Pride and presumption are a death warrant!
Do not think that My grace is extended where it is taken for granted.
And do not think that there is forgiveness for unrepented pride.
For pride was in the heart of the ’son of sin’, who was the first to fall.
He, who dwelt in My presence and beheld My glory like no other, fell to perdition.
And not only him, but also many of My ‘holy ones’ followed after him.
Therefore, do not think to say,… ‘It is impossible for us to fall away’.
For I say to you that many of My people have fallen away, and many more will fall.”
“Apostasy runs deep in ways that My people are not willing to learn of. Darkness is their comfort, and the light of My truth they shun,” says the Lord.
“Doctrines of demons and deception entice My people and lead them away.
Those who suppose that godliness is a means of gain have called out, and many of My people have followed in their greed.
The ‘prophets of profit’, stand before the people in show and pretense.
How they love to hear their names!
The foolish shepherds, wise in their own eyes, call to the flock.
How the sheep run to the shepherds who promise them goodness and safety.
How they run to the shepherds who flatter their desires.
They run to them like lambs in heat, seeking to fulfill their lust.
The ‘flocks of foolishness’, over-run the land.
They devour the choicest fields and fill their bellies with pride and arrogance.
‘SET THE PEDESTAL HIGH!… SET IT AT A DIZZYING HEIGHT’!
And when they fall their necks are broken, their blood spilled, and their lambs follow.”
“Many will follow in that day, and many will fall.
Many will cry out in disbelief of their fate;…
lambs grown fat for the slaughter, shepherds receiving their just reward!
Many will cry out, ‘Lord, Lord’, when they realize that I have not known them, and they will know what is the ‘Hypocrites Portion’ on that day!
Many who were first will be last, and the last will be first.
There will be wailing and gnashing of teeth,” says the Lord!
“Who are these that I speak of? Who are they that say that they know Me, yet do not?
Is it not those who scoff and ridicule,… those who ignore and pretend not to notice?
Is it not you, who even now as you hear these words, grieve My Spirit by rejecting My warning? Is it not you who would say,… “these are the words of insanity and arrogance” and, “how dare anyone say such things”?
But you will know that I have said these things,” says the Lord!
“I will not allow anyone to disgrace the BLOOD of MY SACRIFICE with the garments of self-will!”
“My grace and My patience have abounded, yet many have abused My goodness…
Their lives are more important and precious to them than to know Me.
I am searching among My people for those who’s lamps are filled, and I am finding them few and grieved among the multitudes in your assemblies,(yet I will replace their grief with My joy, and their loneliness with My Spirit anew).
For as it was in the days of Aninias and Sapphira, so shall it be in My last days,” says the Lord. “The liars and the religious spirits will know their place, for I have set My mouth against them. Prophets will arise and tell My people of their transgressions. I will cause them to stand in your assemblies, and I will put My words in their hearts and in their mouths.
My ‘Little Ones’, whom I have brought low for My purpose, will proclaim My judgments and My coming. I will bring both healings and judgments, and My people will know that I am the God who judges the hearts and minds of His people!
Therefore, I will not tolerate lying and deception among you.
Idolitry I hate and will make it known. Covetousness I will strike with the sword!
At once My servants will speak and lay hands and I will heal.
Then at once My servants will speak and lay hands and I will punish!
For My judgments are true and I will judge how I will judge…..
You make no distinction!
I will do according to My knowledge, and not yours.
I will bring about the solution that I desire.
Lay hands and I will decide the outcome,” says the Lord.
“Who will hear and turn? Who will follow Me with his whole heart?
Who will lay aside his own life and seek My will only?
Who will present himself a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable unto Me?…..
HOW WILL YOU BE COUNTED? ”
__________
“High above My creation, above the portals of heaven, I am seated at the right hand of My Father in mercy and in grace.
I have interceded for those who know Me, and for those who will know Me, and I tell you that My ministry of intercession is near the end.
“Prepare yourselves, O inhabitants of the earth.
Prepare to meet your MAKER!”
“My warriors are being called and My army is mustering for holy vengeance.
I am preparing for battle.
The earth will shake apart and the heavens will explode at My coming,” says the Lord.
__________
“How many ways can I make it known? How many times can I warn?
My messengers tell of My righteous judgments, yet the multitudes do not listen nor receive reproof.
Therefore, drink up O foolish ones! Drink up the wrath of the Lord!
And do not think to say, ‘Where is His coming? Is not the coming of the Lord afar, therefore we will escape His coming?’.
Be not deceived, for the weeks and months ahead of My coming are but a moment in time.
I tell you, THIS generation will surely see Me, and none will escape My wrath except those that I have marked, and covered, and set aside for My purpose.
But the foolish ones will look upon Me in that day, and they will remember their foolishness. They will look upon Me whom they rejected, and their sorrow will flood within them for eternity, and I will remember them no more, (yet I will rejoice in those who have trusted Me in obedience),” says the Lord.
__________
“Hear this O Church, and hear this America;
“Hear what the Lord God has to say to you who call yourselves by My name and say,…
‘God bless us, for we are a mighty nation and people’.
Hear what the Lord has to say to you.
For I, the Lord your God, bring a charge against you.
Against the inhabitants of the land I bring a charge;…
‘You have forsaken your parents, ‘TRUTH and JUSTICE’, and have joined yourself in harlotry with the prince of Babylon. You have become his favorite mistress and a whore like no other, for your shame and deception is greater than all others.
Your fall has gone unseen because your eyes are blinded by lust.
You think that by your prosperity and wealth of things that I have blessed you, but I have not!
You are a profane nation who slaughters the innocent and protects the guilty.
And just as you have murdered and forgotten millions of children in the womb, so will I forget your children!
Indeed, they have already been forgotten.
They have been turned over to darkness;…
‘The seeds of the 60’s are in bloom.
The world is in derision.
Cry for them(unborn/future generations)no more.
The spirit of anti-christ is upon you!’
Your judgment is now and your destruction is from within.
You shall wither and die, and the kings of the world will laugh and remember you no more.
Arrogance is your fall. You have forgotten the Lord your God’. ”
“O nation and people how I grieve over you!”
__________
“My sheep have strayed into other pastures,… pastures that seem good to them according to their desires. They feed on the grasses and drink the waters that neither nourish, nor quench thirst.
I am the food and water that gives life.
Eat of Me, and drink of Me, for I have laid down My life for the life of the sheep.
My pastures are safety, and My fences are a protection and a hiding place where the lion cannot prey and the wolf cannot prowl.
My waters are ‘wisdom and understanding’.
My food is ’strength and maturity’.
My staff and My rod uphold the weak with the stamina of the Lord.”
“Return to My pastures and know Me.
I am the Good Shepherd and I know My sheep.
My sheep have no need but to simply rest in My care wherever I lead them.”
“Who will hear My voice? Who will turn and follow?”…..
“The dust of the earth will burn and be no more,
but the clay that I fashion will be with Me forever.”
I am the LORD your GOD
See what I mean? Scary, right?